In this episode of The Cinema Psycho Show, Brian and John return to the cursed Jurassic Park franchise to dissect Jurassic World Rebirth — a movie that’s not quite terrible enough to be fun, but not good enough to justify its existence.
With a plot about curing heart disease using dino DNA, a villainous Snickers wrapper, and the dumbest T-Rex in franchise history, Rebirth proves this series is now just a nostalgia-powered theme park ride. And not one of the good ones.
A Mercenary Mission Gone Wrong
We break down why Jurassic World Rebirth feels like a mid-90s video game:
- The “D-Rex” (a.k.a. Dickhead Rex): A genetically modified dinosaur so stupid it gets distracted by flares.
- Capitalism vs. Dinosaurs: The plot revolves around a greedy pharma CEO (shocking) trying to monetize dino blood.
- Worst Summer Vacation EVER!: A useless dad and his kids who survive against all logic (and dinosaur teeth).
- Scarlett Johansson’s Confusing Role: A mercenary with zero backstory… until she suddenly cares about “open-sourcing” the cure for heart disease.
Why Do These Movies Keep Making Money?
What is the secret to Jurassic World Rebirth’s success? PURE NOSTALGIA! Millennials raised on The Land Before Time and the original Jurassic Park will apparently pay for anything with dinosaurs, no matter how lazy the execution. This sequel exemplifies everything wrong with the franchise – zero stakes, reheated plotlines, and CGI that somehow looks worse than the 1993 original’s practical effects. The absurdity peaks with the “Snickers Incident,” where a rogue candy bar wrapper triggers the entire plot (because capitalism apparently runs on Mars products). As Brian perfectly summarizes: *”This franchise is now a B-movie with a $180M budget.”* The only true monster here is the unchecked nostalgia that keeps these hollow sequels profitable
Final Verdict: Should You Watch It?
Die-hard dinosaur enthusiasts might find Jurassic World Rebirth marginally tolerable – if only for the absurd Snickers product placement, Mahershala Ali’s painfully obvious fake death scene, and the sheer stupidity of the D-Rex design. But for everyone else? There’s literally no reason to watch. The action sequences feel like poorly rendered PlayStation 1 cutscenes, the characters are cardboard cutouts, and the entire experience evaporates from memory before the credits finish rolling. As Brian and John perfectly summarize: “It’s not the worst Jurassic movie. It’s just the most forgettable.” A damning indictment for a franchise that once redefined blockbuster filmmaking, now reduced to reheating its own leftovers with diminishing returns.